Miscarriage is common, but this knowledge can make you feel better if you have to deal with a recent loss. Actually, many women are surprised by the intensity of their feelings after a miscarriage. Feelings can range from shock and grief to irrational guilt and anxiety about future pregnancies. Men too can experience feelings of loss and failure. This is particularly true if they do not know how to help their partner during these tough times.
Feelings like that are completely normal. The process of emotional recovery following a miscarriage can take a while. This often takes far longer than physical recovery. Letting you grieve can actually help you cope with it over the long term.
Handling your feelings
Technically, a miscarriage is a missed pregnancy within 20 weeks. Unfortunately, 15 to 20% of known or diagnosed pregnancies are miscarriages, mostly before 12 weeks of pregnancy. Most miscarriages are due to a genetic anomaly that prevents the normal development of the fetus. Day-to-day activities, like exercising, working, and having sex, do not cause miscarriages. Even so, many women still blame themselves.
Within weeks of a miscarriage, many women experience a roller coaster of emotions. At the same time, a woman who has just had a miscarriage undergoes hormonal changes as her body rehabilitates itself in order not to be pregnant. Her hormones can heighten her emotional state.
Doing some activities such as yoga, art, hiking, etc. can help manage your feelings as they help manage your feelings and allow you to clear your mind. Or at least take your mind away from grief and loss.
Mourning for your loss
Sadly, family and friends tell women that they should not feel this sense of loss. This is particularly prevalent when the miscarriage occurs in the early stages of pregnancy, as most do. Early loss is not necessarily easier to manage than the loss that occurs later in pregnancy. Although a woman was pregnant for only a short period of time, her pregnancy may have been expected for years.
If you are a woman who suffered a miscarriage, keep in mind that your feelings are normal. Remember as well that some women are hit more severely than others. Let the grief process work out for you in your own way and at your own pace. It’s okay to feel great one day and bad the next.
The sharing and comparison of experiences with other women who have experienced the same are often comforting. You might be surprised to know how many women miscarried. Being in a support group can help. If your feelings begin to interfere with your ability to get along each day, or if your sadness does not subside after a few months, talk to your healthcare professional. You could get a referral from a mental health counselor or a therapist.
Dealing the loss as a couple
Men and women usually react differently when miscarriages occur. In many cases, men enter crisis resolution mode. They may feel helpless and unsuitable when they are not able to “repair” the grief of their partner. Poor communication is also a common concern. Many times a man sees his partner crying when he talks about the baby, so he learns not to talk about it. And because he doesn’t talk about it, the woman could feel like he doesn’t care, but he really does.
To help counteract the effects of miscarriage on relationships between couples, experts advise men to show how much they care and to open up and share their feelings. For example, they can keep an eye on other children, do the dishes or invite their partner to a special dinner.
Ready to start over?
One common issue many women have a miscarriage is when they will be able to try again. Talk to your doctor about what suits you best. Typically, the first period of menstruation occurs four to six weeks after a miscarriage. It is usually safe to conceive at the end of a normal menstrual cycle. Sometimes, however, you might be advised to have medical tests first to find out the cause of your miscarriage. Also, your emotions can take a bit longer to heal than your body. It is preferable to wait until you are physically and emotionally ready before becoming pregnant again.
Fears of further loss of pregnancy are prevalent after a miscarriage. The reality is, most women who have a miscarriage are going to have a healthy pregnancy next time. Feel free to discuss any concerns that you may have with your health care provider. Your support network is helpful now, too, particularly if it includes women who have had successful pregnancies following a loss.
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